An Akatsuki Wedding
by Lothiriel17
Summary: It is the day that Sasori and Sakura have been dreaming about: their wedding day. But when the rest of the Akatsuki are the ones to plan, perform, and participate in the ceremony, things soon go to hell in a handbag. Rated M for Hidan's language.


**This is my first story so helpful criticism is very appreciated. Please tell me what you like or don't like about the writing style and plot line so I can try and make my future stories better.  
**

**I do not own Naruto, but it would be a lovely gift, Santa. XD**

* * *

**~An Akatsuki Wedding~**

"Dearly fucking beloved," Hidan began.

"We are gathered here today in this shithole Kakuzu picked out to fucking join the asstard, Sasori, and the fucking hot bitch, Sakura, in holy fucking matrimony."

Sakura glanced at her soon to be husband, unsure if they had chosen the right minister. Sasori returned her glance with an expression reminding her that the Jashinist was the only one they had for the job. Being of the Akatsuki, they couldn't allow a huge, extravagant, extremely public wedding, so they had to keep it small and mostly within the organization. With this limited amount of people, there were only two who could potentially play this role. Pein, being the first choice, decided that he had to be the one to give the bride away since he was the leader, and it was obvious that one can't walk Sakura down the aisle _and_ take on the part of minister. Thus Hidan, being the only religious member of the Akatsuki, was appointed the job.

"If any one of you asstards have any reason why these damn people shouldn't fucking get married, fuck each other and have fucked up children, and live out a damned happily ever after, speak your shit now and face the fucking wrath of Jashin!"

Hidan glared at the small audience, waiting to see if anyone was willing to object. Everyone who might have had an issue was now shaking in their seats, terrified of the minister's threat. Even Naruto, who had every intention of stopping the wedding, sat stiff in his seat with small beads of sweat gliding down his forehead.

"Well then. Let's fucking get this over with. Do you, Sasori-"

Crunch! Munch! Munch!

Hidan stared angrily at the audience, searching for the person who interrupted his speech. Kakashi looked up from his book, realizing that the Jashinist had stopped talking. Itachi sat there expressionless and as stoic as ever, and Zetsu patiently waited in the back for the ceremony to continue. Shrugging it off, the immortal began his line again.

"Do you, Sasori, take fucking Sakura to be-"

Crunch! Munch! Munch!

"What the fuck!" Hidan exclaimed, infuriated that he was interrupted a second time.

He shot daggers at Kisame, thinking that he was the source of the mysterious noise, but the shark shrugged blankly to indicate that it wasn't him. The irritated imortal scanned the small crowd, desperate to find the one making the noise. He then looked over at Tobi. It wouldn't have been surprising if the childish maniac was scarfing down cookies, but the 'flower girl' of the wedding was sitting there quietly, playing with his basket of petals and being a 'good boy' for once. Konan, the maid of honor, then gave a purposeful cough, telling Hidan to get on with it.

"Do you fucking take Sakura to be your damn wife?"

Crunch! Munch! Munch!

"Oh my fucking Jashin! Who the hell is making that damn noise!"

The room was quiet. Everyone looked around at each other wondering who the source of the disrespectful sound was. With no one fessing up, the silver-haired Jahinist marched down the aisle, determined to find the bastard who was disrupting his ceremony. Many flinched as he glared at any and every potential culprit. He then picked up a suspicious looking Kiba by the collar and brought him up to eye level. Staring the frightened boy in the face, he determined Kiba was innocent and dropped him carelessly back down in his seat. Finally, he made his way to the back row and found Zetsu trying to hide a half eaten arm behind his back.

"What the fuck!" Hidan exclaimed.

"I was hungry."

The Jashinist ripped the limb out of Zetsu's hands and beat him upside the head with it. He then opened a window and chucked it outside with as much force as he could muster. Mutterings of how Zetsu was lucky to not be sacrificed filled the room as Hidan made his way back to the bride and groom.

"Now that snack time's over," he paused to shoot one last set of daggers towards the disruptor.

"Do you or don't you fucking take whatever the bitch's name is to be your damn wife?"

"Sakura." the pink-haired kunoichi grumbled.

"Whatever." He responded while rolling his eyes.

"I do."

"And do you, '_Sakura_,' take Sasori as your fucking husband?" he asked using air quotes around her name.

"I do." She answered, staring into the puppet master's beautiful brown orbs, causing a smile to form across his lips. Hidan rolled his eyes once more, clearly not fond of how mushy they were getting.

"All right. Bring on the damn ring so this can be fucking over with."

The couple turned their gaze towards Deidara, the best man. The blond stepped forward as he reached into his pocket and retrieved the golden piece of jewelry, which turned out to be the most expensive part of the wedding since Kakuzu was appointed wedding planner. The man was so cheap and stingy that he didn't even buy real flowers. Instead, he chose the less expensive rout of having Konan create origami ones.

"Crap, un!" Deidara shouted.

"What now, brat?" Sasori complained as he was becoming impatient.

"Well…umm…I've kind of…hmm…." He stuttered.

Sasori brought his palm to his forehead as he realized the problem. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. First Hidan, then Zetsu, and now this.

"Your hand swallowed the ring, didn't it?"

The bomber blushed with embarrassment as he confirmed his worries by giving a slight nod. Sasori smacked his forehead again. This had to be the worst wedding in the history of weddings! Now what were they going to do? Without a ring, they couldn't complete the ceremony.

"You moron! Spit it out!" Sakura demanded as she leached on to the blonde's hand and shook it violently, hoping to knock out the important piece of jewelry.

"Ow! Stop it, un! It won't come out. Sometimes they have a mind of their own, yeah! Get off! Ow!" he howled as he tried to get the pink haired women off of him.

Murmurs filled the room as everyone began to glance around, unsure of what to do. Even Kakashi looked up from his book, noticing once again that the ceremony had halted. Next to him, a grin formed across Naruto's face. He didn't have to stop the wedding. He sat there happily, watching it crumble around him. They would have to call it off. Yes. This was good.

Finding that nothing she did could make Deidara give back the ring, Sakura looked towards her betrothed, frightened of this mess. She received no comforting glances in return. Instead, she found the man deep in thought.

_Examine the situation and then weigh all the options, _the redhead mentally told himself. The 'situation' part was rather clear. Since a certain idiotic blonde has no control over his stupid mouths, they had no ring. Option A would be to wait until his hands decide to spit it back up, but that could take hours. Not to mention Sasori absolutely hated waiting. So the original ring was completely out of the question. Therefore they would just have to use another, but where were they going to find one? Option B, they could ask someone in the crowd for a ring. No. That would be wrong to take someone else's piece of jewelry. That might be something Hidan would do in this situation, but Sakura would never allow it. Option C would be to run to town and buy another ring, but since Kakuzu placed the wedding out in the middle of nowhere, it would be impossible to make a quick run to any kind of store. When laid out in front of him, the situation looked even worse.

"SASORI SENPAI! SASORI SENPAI! CAN TOBI HELP! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

Sasori stumbled back as the irritating, immature Tobi suddenly was inside his bubble and mere inches in front of his face, bouncing up and down with the excitement of potentially being useful.

"Tobi, Get off!" Sasori growled as he pushed him away.

Oh how that _thing_ called Tobi irks him. How on Earth someone like that made it into the Akatsuki, Sasori would never know. All he ever does is annoy the crap out of everyone unfortunate enough to be within a five mile radius of him. Honestly, why has Pein kept such a nuisance as Tobi around? He's completely useless!

…or _is_ he?

It would take too long for anyone to run to the nearest town and back, but Tobi wouldn't have to run. He could transport himself! What would take someone hours to accomplish, the man in front of him could do in only a moment. It was brilliant! A devilish smile formed across the groom's lips.

"Listen closely, Tobi. This is very important."

Tobi straightened up and focused all of his attention on his senpai as he waited for his urgent mission.

"I need you to go to town as quickly as you can and buy me the best ring you can find."

"The best ring Tobi can find?"

"Yes, but more importantly you must be fast. That means you need to transport yourself. You think you can do it?"

"Yes senpai! You can count on Tobi!"

Sasori felt a lump of regret form in his stomach as his last hope vanished before his eyes. Counting on Tobi is something no one should _ever_ do. Only a fool would put their fate in the masked maniac's hands. Still, he was the last chance they had for completing this wedding, and so they waited….and waited….and waited! For a half hour they waited. What was taking him so long? Did he not stress how important it was for Tobi to rush? Uneasiness filled the room as everyone grew restless, until a certain blond clad in bright orange sprung out of his seat and ruptured the tense silence.

"What's taking so long? This should have been done with ages ago! Obviously you can't continue, so I say we call the whole thing off."

"Shut up. No one wants to hear your annoying voice, un." Deidara scolded.

"Oh yeah? Well, make me!"

"Maybe I will, yeah." The bomber threatened as he raised his voice slightly.

"Hah! I'd like to see you try it."

"My god! You're more annoying than my idiotic, good for nothing partner."

"You tell him Kakuzu! Wait…what did you fucking say!"

The stitched man let out a stressful sigh as he rolled his eyes at the rather slow Jashinist.

"Admit it. You're as annoying as hell."

"I'll fucking make you eat those damn words!"

Both Sasori and Sakura's foreheads throbbed as stressful arguments ensued all around them. Screams of hatred echoed off of the walls and filled the room with an impossibly loud and excruciatingly unpleasant roar. The groom closed his eyes as he took in a couple of breaths in an attempt to dispel the rising frustration. Sakura, on the other hand, chose a completely different way to relieve her stress: explosion.

"Would you all shut up! All of this noise is giving me a headache! I should knock all of your blocks off and-"

In that instant, smoke formed in front of her, causing her to cough. After the air cleared, there stood Tobi, bouncing up and down with joy from completing his task of upmost importance.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

His excited scream miraculously was louder than the din that filled the room just a moment before. How it's possible for one person to make so much noise will always remain a mystery to the world.

"Did you bring back a ring?" Sasori asked hoping to bring a hasty end to this disastrous wedding. The idiot before him nodded furiously, his mask creating a blur of swirls that made the puppet master slightly dizzy. Then the two stood there in silence until Sasori lost his patience.

"Well where is it?"

"Ah, yes! Tobi looked hard for the bestest ring Tobi could find. There were lots of gold ones, silver ones, shiny ones, and even ones in the shape of cute little hearts! But then I saw the biggest, bestest ring ever!"

A groan was heard from where Kakuzu sat. The word 'biggest' when referring to jewelry did not set well with him. How many carats could it be? The more direct question would be how much is this going to cost him? A shiver ran down his spine just thinking about how foolish it was to allow Tobi of all people to run loose with money. He'll make sure that Sasori pays for this later. Preferably in cash but blood always works too.

Tobi reached into his pocket and rummaged around for the long awaited piece of jewelry.

"TADAH!"

He did not lie. The ring he presented was, in fact, big. It was much, much larger than an average wedding ring. The glossy jewel had a slight shimmer of color to it. It even had a look of sweetness. It should have been perfect, except for the fact that it was a Ring Pop.

"Isn't it the most beautiful ring you've ever seen, Sasori senpai!" he said giddily.

Sakura's eyebrow twitched a couple of times before she smacked her forehead. Could this really be happening? A chuckle escaped Kakuzu's lips as his fears were instantly washed away. What he thought would cost him a fortune was less than a dollar! Why didn't he think of it? Perhaps he should let Tobi go shopping more often.

"Tobi, you idiot!"

"And you said I was the stupid one." Hidan snickered.

"What's the matter senpai? Did Tobi do something wrong?"

It sounded as if he was on the verge of tears, but this did not faze the puppet master. Tobi would get his punishment later, but for now this 'ring' would have to do. Wordlessly, he snatched the candy out of the masked dimwit's hand and walked back over to his bride.

"You've got to be joking, un. You're seriously going to use that?"

"It can't be helped since an idiot swallowed my ring and won't spit it back up." He scolded harshly causing Deidara to flinch a little.

"Let's get on with it. What next, Hidan?"

"As far as I'm fucking concerned, put the ring on her finger and give the bitch a kiss."

As romantically as possible, Sasori slid the Ring Pop onto the finger of his new bride, and even though it was a simple piece of candy, a tear of joy slid down Sakura's face. At last they were wed! He did not hesitate to pull her in close and place his tender lips on hers. Oh, how he has longed for this moment, for this first kiss they could share as a married couple. Forgetting the crowd behind him, forgetting all the horrors that passed, he slid his tongue into her mouth and basked in the sweet taste. He passionately glided over every inch of her mouth, carefully making sure not to miss a single spot. He would always treasure the sweetness of her kiss, along with the tender love and affection from the woman who possessed such a kiss. After what seemed like all too short of a time, he painfully retracted from the sanctuary of her mouth, and soothed the loss with the sight of her deep, pure emerald eyes that held nothing but the same kind of love he had for her.

"All right, I now pronounce you man and wife. Now let's get the fuck out of here!"

* * *

**Thank you very kindly for reading. I would love it if you clicked the review button and tell me what you think. XD**


End file.
